The end of a decade

The last ten years were a ripping wildfire of a decade. It started with the ringing of the Bosingak bell alongside the love of my life, great friends and a few thousand strangers in the center of Seoul, SK. Came home 8 months later and got engaged. Got married to my amazing wife in 2011. Was crushed by the loss of my father in 2012. Had two unimaginable daughters in 2014 and 2016. Spent 4 years failing spectacularly in sales. Found myself in teaching in 2015. I completed my masters in 2018, mentored a good friend through her undergrad thesis for her Bachelors in 2019, and even managed to be asked to teach an online college course at USFSP these last few months.

But the last 12 months have felt more like the waning edges of the blaze, when the flame has died out and the heat is hard to feel. I've felt isolated in a lot of ways, my closest friends are far away, and even though we see each other and talk often I can't help but miss regular contact with some of the people that mean the most to me. I've been buried under a myriad of obligations. I work 3 jobs because teacher pay is shit, support my partner in all the amazing things she does as a teacher, and try to carve out as much time as possible for my daughters and family. I had gotten into a good work out habit, but then was waylaid by injury. While I was fortunate enough to have the ability to seek medical care and surgery right away, I've been unable to engage in strenuous physical activity since mid October. I've had no time for any creative work, and I've been feeling increasingly listless and despondent about what comes next in life. 

Most of my adolescent and adult life I've wrestled with self doubt and self loathing with hints of depression. But this past year those emotions have really been dialed up, along with throwing in what I can only guess is some version of imposter syndrome. It's been tough. Especially since asking for help and communicating how I feel have never been among my strengths.

However, the last few nights I've spent mostly alone around small fires trying to clear and prepare my mind for what comes next. And what I've been reminded of is that often when the fire seems spent and close to ash, underneath are the most potent embers. Those pieces that represent that most significant sources of heat.

I realize that the wildfire of the last ten years has only been preparing me for the long burn of what is to come. Burning away the excess and revealing what is core to myself, and for what needs to be done. It's removed the chaff of all the things I thought were important, or thought I was supposed to think were important. In turn it's left me with a set of values and beliefs that I know will serve me well. Our world is changing, and if we want it to be for the better we have to fight for it. And I, for one, am ready for those fights.